It is tough being a parent. It is harder to be a good, consistent parent. It becomes impossible if you try to appease every suggestion or comment from friends and family. Everyone will tell you how they did it and what works for them. Your parents will misremember, romanticize, or reimagine how they raised you. Grandparents will want the absolute best for their grandbabies, regardless of rules and consequences for behaviour. They will say things like: “You are too rigid or strict,” or “I never had this issue when you were little.” All are misrepresentations of the events from your childhood. Hand up, I was a handful. I know and realize this now as a grown man and father. I made things very challenging for my parents as a teen and young man. For that, I am sorry, Mom and Dad. But if you were to ask them now, after they became Grandparents, they would say it wasn’t that bad, or they don’t really recall any major issues. It can be comical when my wife and I are setting boundaries for our kids, and here comes Grandma, who was very strict in her day, mind you, with the phrase, ” Give them what they want. I hate seeing them sad. You need to loosen up.” All because we said no to chocolate right before bedtime. I know, I know it is out of love towards their grandchildren.
What I am getting at is this. Opinions are opinions, not gospel. You can take what may work for you and disregard the rest. People without kids can be quick to tell you what could or should be done in a single-no-kids world. Most of the time, that advice is completely unrealistic. This goes to show that you really have no idea about how to live as a parent until you are one. I remember before I had kids, asking dads why they would leave their kids in daycare for the day. Even if they had the day off themselves? They would tell me that they were paying for it anyway. But I now know, they might want a break that day. Or want to accomplish a task at home without interruption. Or even maybe sneak in a nap for themselves. One glorious, uninterrupted long nap. Now that is something to romanticize.
Theodore Roosevelt said it best when he stated, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and I believe in that wholeheartedly. Every parent’s situation is different. From financial to family help. Parents who practice routine and structure are different from those who go with the flow of life. Some want to give their kids everything they never had or live their personal dreams through their kids. While others want to teach responsibility, or that you don’t always get everything you want. You cannot and should not compare yourself to any other parent, even your siblings or close friends. On the surface, you may think you align with them, but that definitely is not the case. They will have their own strategies and plans for their families, which will probably differ from yours, and vice versa. They may have advice or opinions for you that don’t align with your parenting style. Some people have big personalities and strong, loud opinions, especially when kids are involved. That is okay, but it can also be the beginning of family rifts. You need to ask yourself, “Is this worth the relationship of my sibling and their child?” Most people are just trying to help as they know how. It comes out of love but can be expressed in ways that don’t seem like it in the moment. You will never win if you are always comparing yourself to the “better dad” or “better mom”. Thinking that they have it all figured out. The truth is, no one does, nor do they ever truly figure out parenting. It is a moving goalpost that can never be reached. Do what you feel is best and aligns with your personal beliefs. Be happy with the small victories, like a bedtime that goes without argument, an accident-free day during potty training, or when your child looks at you like their greatest hero and tells you they love you. Right before, they don’t want anything to do with you at bath time. It is hard, especially in today’s age of social media. Only the highlight reel is shared, making everyone seem perfect and flawless. Like they have all the answers, to which we all know that no one does, myself included.
Now I am aware that this post is contrary. I am telling you to ignore the outside noise and other people’s opinions. Yet I am asking you to read this opinion piece. Take what you need from it and disregard the rest. Most of this post is excerpts of real conversations my wife and I have had together. Mostly after family leaves a visit or after a more stressful-than-needed phone call from a family member, we are all doing the best we can. We all want the best for our kids, grandkids, nieces, or nephews. Take time to give yourself some grace and realize that it is completely normal to feel overwhelmed or stressed out by that outside noise. Friends and family are great, but parenting is so unique and different in each household. It is vastly different from generation to generation. What worked one or two decades ago could be completely frowned upon now. Some people may overstep their boundaries without realizing they have done so. It is okay to remind them that you are the child’s parent and, barring any abuse or neglect of that child, it is really nobody else’s business how you raise them. Opinions are like A$$holes, everyone has one. Doesn’t mean it needs to be heard. Crude, I know, but again a real excerpt from my life. Blue collar, remember?
Thank you for reading. I look forward to hearing how you, your partner, or your friends deal with outside opinions.
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